Episode 11: Bulldog Edition

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

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HOLD THAT FATHER-OF-THE-YEAR CITATION
Irving Lewis "Scooter" Libby took twenty years to write a novel called "The Apprentice". Based in turn-of-the-twentieth-century Japan, it describes the training of a young girl to be a courtesan. In one chapter, Scooter (himself the father of two) writes: "At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest."
Irving doesn't explain how being poked with a stick might provoke ursine tumescence. He has other members to detail.
Think not, however, that "The Apprentice" is a stark aberration among registered adherents of the Christian Family Values Party. Such part-time conservative novelists as Lynn Cheney, William Safire, William Buckley, John Erlichman, and Bill O'Reilly have already demonstrated their eagerness to depict glistening, panting, thrusting, pounding episodes of kinky sex, including, but not limited to, pedophilia, bestiality, fellatio, and sadomasochism. O'Reilly even produced an audio tape for his book, with himself as narrator.
For further illumination, check out page 38 of the November 7th edition of The New Yorker.

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BROWNIE REDUX
E-mails sent by former FEMA Director Michael Brown during the recent Katrina unpleasantness have been released. In one, on August 31st, he received a frantic message from a subordinate declaring continued looting and violence and that food and water had run out at the Superdome. His response was, "Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?"
On August 30th, his mind was clearly on more urgent matters, albeit not the 2.7 million people without electricity or the 42,00 in shelters. Rather, he sent this query: "Do you know of anyone who dog sits? If you know of any responsible kids, let me know."
Told on August 29th, the day Katrina made landfall, that levees had been breached, Brownie replied "I'm being told here water over, not a breach."
Three days later, on September 1st, he told CNN he didn't know a levee had been breached or that there were people in the convention center.
As a reward for doing such a heckuva job and for flinging himself on his sword for his Leader, Brownie was subsequently rehired as a consultant to the Department of Homeland Security for a fee of $148,000 a year.
You can't make this stuff up.

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From Mike in Lauderdale:
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN...
Three months ago, you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written on on your arm with a Sharpie.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, a carpenter, and a tree surgeon.
You don't worry about relatives visiting in summer.
A battery-powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You catch a 13-pound redfish - in your living room.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a hurricane and the "bad side".

Murdoch News Finally Got It Right

Episode 10: Slouching Toward Oblivion

"I am against government by crony."
- Harold Ickes, resigning as Secretary of the Interior in 1946

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When barrages of jokes about politicians in power approach cyber-saturation, the end is surely near, or at least we can hope. Some contributions from loyal readers (thanks, Hugh and Chris):

*Donald Rumfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by announcing that "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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Where does George Bush stand on Roe V. Wade?
He didn't care HOW they got out of New Orleans.

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BUSH HAIKU*
(*Poem composed entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush.)

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked,
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!

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LESS THAN GRAND JURY
Speaking of cronies, we have the case of Irving "Scooter" Libby, consul to Vice President Vader, who has run afoul of a federal grand jury in Chicago. Delighted as those of us on the left might be that someone has started smoking out the weasel holes, the method used is an instrument of the Dark Ages.
There are many kinds of juries, from a day in municipal traffic court on to state and federal grand juries requiring up to a month of service. Annoying, yes, inconvenient, certainly.
But then there's the special "Investigative Grand Jury." It is there that the legal cliche that grand juries "can be made to indict a ham sandwich" comes to full fruition.
It goes like this. A "Jury Summons" arrives in the mail, an event as intimidating as notice of an IRS audit. You are informed that if you don't do exactly as it says, you will be subject to unspecified sanctions. You go to the courthouse, as directed, where you sit for two to four hours in a large room with about three hundred other people. No one tells you what is happening.
Eventually, you are questioned by several lawyers and a judge. You are accepted for service. They make you take an oath. And they inform you that every Tuesday and Thursday of the next eighteen months you will have to report to that courthouse for jury duty. You live three hours away? Your mother is in intensive care? You have to go to Omaha to keep your job? Tough.
The jury room will be too hot or too cold. You'll listen to the prosecutor and his assistants make jokes and insist that you're going to enjoy the next eighteen months. If you don't show up, marshals will come to your house, handcuff you, and bring you in. Your keepers will remind you of this every day. There are additional unspecified but ominous sanctions available.
There are forms to fill out and a lot of waiting to do. The prosecutor announces that people will be called into the room. Whatever their status, as witnesses or accused, they are denied the presence of counsel. They are stared at by 25 or more pairs of eyes as they testify, while the prosecutor asks the same questions three or four different ways. The people on the stand are understandably terrified, especially if they are innocent of wrongdoing.
Jury members are instructed to determine whether individuals providing testimony are telling the truth. How this might be accomplished is left unanswered. Jury members can't question the witnesses. Afterwards, they can ask the prosecutor to pose questions to witnesses, who are kept waiting outside. Although the prosecutor is allegedly only "legal advisor" to the grand jury, this is a sham, and he or she will usually refuse.
Provided with only the information the government wishes to present, provided only by the witnesses they choose to summon, and with no opportunity to hear opposing argument, the jury usually winds up delivering the judgement the government seeks. It is a classic Star Chamber proceeding, reminiscent of the Inquisition. Based upon old English law, as is most of our legal system, grand juries have been around since before the American Revolution.
The British abolished their grand juries seventy years ago.
Citizens selected for jury service are drawn from voter registration rolls.

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NO COMMENT
A recent report by the Pew Research Center in Washington said that 42 percent of Americans believe that creationism should be taught instead of evolution.

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FLOUNDER IN BEER BATTER
A near-foolproof recipe to recapture the essence of summer by seaside.
Serves 4

One and one-half pound flounder (or similar) fillets
Lemon juice (bottle OK)
Salt and pepper to taste.
Two large eggs, yolks and whites separated
One-half cup beer
One-half cup flour
One-half teaspooon baking powder
Oil for frying

1. Cut the fillets into three-by-four-inch pieces. Sprinkle with lemon juice and salt and pepper. Set aside.
2. Combine the egg yolks, beer, flour, and baking powder. Mix thoroughly.
3. Whip the egg whites until stiff.
4. Gently fold the egg whites into the batter until incorporated.
5. Heat the oil until almost smoking (about 375 degrees). Put the fish pieces into the batter and shake off the excess. Fry a few pieces at a time, without crowding. Turn gently with a slotted spoon when they rise to the surface. Drain on paper towels. Serve.