Episode 78: On Bigots and the Godly....but I repeat myself

Only Jon Stewart seemed to notice the recent recorded comments of the current Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina. Andre Bauer is seeking to succeed his superior, the Governor who transformed the meaning of "Hiking on the Appalachian Trail" into a euphemism for shagging his Argentine tootsie.

On the campaign trail, Bauer chose to divest himself of his grandmother's advice about not feeding strays: "You know why?" he proclaimed. "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. You show me the school that has the highest free and reduced lunch, and I'll show you the worst test scores, folks."

Denying poor children food will, following Bauer logic, help solve the problem of rampant poverty in his benighted state and, presumably, the other 49.

They'll just die. And stop being a bother.

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At Play in the Mind of John Boehner

The immaculately groomed and deeply tanned House Minority Leader from sunny Ohio insists he can, too, come up with ideas with more than two letters (That would be "NO!") He is hurt that the Democratic majority has not given more consideration to what he thinks is a viable alternative health care plan. He all but stamps his feet in ongoing snits over the way his grand plan is brushed aside.

That plan? According to the Congressional Budget Office, his proposal would extend coverage to another three million Americans by 2019. That would leave only 52 million citizens uninsured.

Compassion, Republican style.

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Separated At Birth?

On the left, George Clooney. On the right, center, a Shinwari tribal leader in Afghanistan as photographed by Adam Ferguson for the New York Times.

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Give It Up For The Lord

Focus on the Family, the profoundly anti-abortion Christian advocacy group, is sponsoring a commercial during the Super Bowl. It will star Tim Tebow, a Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback from the University of Florida. Focus on the Family is opposed to abortion under all circumstances, even rape or incest.

Tim, the widely-heralded jock, is the son of Bob Tebow, head of a self-named evangelical association in Jacksonville, Florida. Click on its website to read its mission statement, "What We Believe". For pure, mind-boggling bafflegab, it's hard to surpass. Choice excerpts include:

"The words (verbal) of Scripture recorded in the autographa are inspired, not just concepts."

"By inspired, we mean that we believe the Scriptures have been 'breathed out' by God Himself."

"The written Word of God is totally without error of any kind."

"There is one God and there are three distinct Persons of the Godhead that are co-eternal, co-equal, and co-existent."

"For the rapture...the dead in Christ shall arise and be caught up together with those who are alive in Christ shall arise and be caught up together with those who are alive in Christ to meet Him in the air."

And so on and so on. And on, throughout a three-page evisceration of logic and the language. Every word of the Bible (as interpreted by Mr. Tebow and his fellows) is the literal truth, the exact word of the Almighty. Never mind that the book is a collection of folk tales and myths written centuries after the events it purports to describe.

CBS had no trouble accepting this ad despite its long-asserted policy of rejecting advocacy messages. It had already turned away a commercial for a gay dating service, as it did applications from MoveOn.org and PETA in the past.

So now will the network accept an issue ad from Planned Parenthood?

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Updates

In the last episode, Geezer suggested a few exceptionally annoying words and phrases past due for disposal. Chris and Fig offered these candidates:

*"Sounds like a plan."

*"Bring it!"

*"Let's do this!"

To which I would add this singularly unimaginative utterance from a banker at the Davos confab (surely this has passed its expiration date):

"Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Geezer also shared a few bizarre communications to his website http://www.akeyinthedoor.com/. Add this one to the collection (verbatim):

"Hello everyone! I would like to burn a theme at this forum. There is such a nicey, called HYIP, or High Yield Investment Program. It reminds of financial piramyde, but in rare cases one may happen to meet a company that really pays up to 2% daily not on invested money, but from real profits.

"For quite a long time, I earn money with the help of these programs. I'm with no money problems now, but there are heights that must be conquered. I get now up to 2G a day, and I started with 500 funny bucks."

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Episode 77: Listings

The Supremes have just handed down the judgement that coroprations and lobbyists cannot be restrained in their spending in political campaigns. Your opinions? Your needs? Forget them. They will be buried under avalanches of money. Five nasty old men have disenfranchised you. Thank Dubya for yet another triumph of the Dark Side. He appointed the last two right-wing justices, sustaining the Court's concrete conservative tilt.

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If you weren't paying attention, the Democrats' painfully fragile 60-40 supermajority swirled around the bowl Tuesday with the election of the slightly weird Republican Scott Brown (he repeatedly announced that his two daughters were "available" - for what?) to Ted Kennedy's Massachusetts Senate seat. The ramifications are predictable. There was, however, one bright spot in the deepening gloom. Democrats don't have to suck up to Joe Lieberman anymore. No longer crucial to them, he's been demoted to irrelevant Number 59.

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Definitions

Tinsel: Worm mirrors.

Construction crew: Four guys watching a fifth guy work.

A person without convictions: Political Independent.

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Like, Whatever

A recent Marist College poll assembled the phrases found most annoying to Americans. "Whatever" topped the list, followed by "anyway", "it is what it is", and "at the end of the day." Allow me to volunteer additions:

"Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

"Not so much."

"Think outside the box."

"Going forward."

"I could care less."

"Across The Pond."

"What I'm talkin' about."

"My bad."

"Back in the day."

Feel free to offer, like, other candidates. They will be mentioned in an upcoming episode.

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Yoga Makes You Stupid

Billed as the "Christmas Gift of the Year!", the latest Swedish fad was a nail bed. Yes, a variation of the device employed by Hindu fakirs. This version involved a foam rubber pad covered with hard plastic disks and at least 4,000 sharp spikes, according to The New York Times.

One yoga instructor allowed that it was "quite painful initially", but that after the adrenaline rush, "you relax and feel nice again." As when you stop running head first into brick walls.

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Money and Power Make You Stupid

After losing one of his many court cases, Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister of Italy and the country's wealthiest man declared:

"I am the best prime minister ever," yet "I am absolutely the politician most persecuted by prosecutors in the entire history of the world throughout the ages." And this, after spending "two hundred million euros on judges."

His aides said he misspoke, about the judges, at least.

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What Happens When We Let Sarah Palin Teach English As A Second Language

Geezer's other website, http://www.akeyinthedoor.com/ is devoted to food and travel. It has an international audience. Lately, his comment box is filling up with messages from Russian viewers. A few are pushing porn, but most seem to be bloggers who just want to link up. Or to swap secret coded directives. Samples, absolutely verbatim:

"It is a class it is described, we shall try."

"Thank you for article, much interesting."

"But why you so certain that it exactly so?"

"Agree with You, but possible in detail?"

"Very cognitive, thank you for spent by you time."

"Hello, I want to congratulate your site with 2010. I am sure that, in this new year, your article will please his readers."

And my favorite:

"In other instances, soon after which the gardener, we will suppose that it is attempted to be the pleasantest thongs i ever treated any boy, and sti out there."

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