Episode 11: Bulldog Edition

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill

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HOLD THAT FATHER-OF-THE-YEAR CITATION
Irving Lewis "Scooter" Libby took twenty years to write a novel called "The Apprentice". Based in turn-of-the-twentieth-century Japan, it describes the training of a young girl to be a courtesan. In one chapter, Scooter (himself the father of two) writes: "At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest."
Irving doesn't explain how being poked with a stick might provoke ursine tumescence. He has other members to detail.
Think not, however, that "The Apprentice" is a stark aberration among registered adherents of the Christian Family Values Party. Such part-time conservative novelists as Lynn Cheney, William Safire, William Buckley, John Erlichman, and Bill O'Reilly have already demonstrated their eagerness to depict glistening, panting, thrusting, pounding episodes of kinky sex, including, but not limited to, pedophilia, bestiality, fellatio, and sadomasochism. O'Reilly even produced an audio tape for his book, with himself as narrator.
For further illumination, check out page 38 of the November 7th edition of The New Yorker.

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BROWNIE REDUX
E-mails sent by former FEMA Director Michael Brown during the recent Katrina unpleasantness have been released. In one, on August 31st, he received a frantic message from a subordinate declaring continued looting and violence and that food and water had run out at the Superdome. His response was, "Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?"
On August 30th, his mind was clearly on more urgent matters, albeit not the 2.7 million people without electricity or the 42,00 in shelters. Rather, he sent this query: "Do you know of anyone who dog sits? If you know of any responsible kids, let me know."
Told on August 29th, the day Katrina made landfall, that levees had been breached, Brownie replied "I'm being told here water over, not a breach."
Three days later, on September 1st, he told CNN he didn't know a levee had been breached or that there were people in the convention center.
As a reward for doing such a heckuva job and for flinging himself on his sword for his Leader, Brownie was subsequently rehired as a consultant to the Department of Homeland Security for a fee of $148,000 a year.
You can't make this stuff up.

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From Mike in Lauderdale:
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN...
Three months ago, you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written on on your arm with a Sharpie.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, a carpenter, and a tree surgeon.
You don't worry about relatives visiting in summer.
A battery-powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You catch a 13-pound redfish - in your living room.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a hurricane and the "bad side".